This is a common theme that continues to emerge in nearly every one of my posts, and that’s probably-no definitely-because the last year of my life, and the next year of my life, is just a confusing time that has left me in the inability to move forward.
I don’t want to complain about my life, because there is truly nothing to complain about. I get to learn, I get to explore (on a low budget, but still), I get to be with people I care about, I eat well, and I have a nice roof over my head. Things I have in my life are still just dreams to some people, and I try to remind myself that constantly.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated, lost, and depressed-because I most certainly do. You see, I know I have great things to be thankful for, but I just feel so trapped in a stage of my life that sometimes I feel as if I’m not even living.
The past year I have been stuck as a grad student, stuck on the same budget, stuck being slave to professors-both in turning in papers, and grading undergraduate work for them-stuck as a working student at a barn, stuck in San Antonio, stuck in one stage of a relationship, and yet I’m still getting older without any ability of my life to move forward at the moment-or for another year.
It’s enough to drive me insane. I’m the type of person who constantly tries to push myself forward, and I also am the type of person who embraces new challenges, and new adventures. But the past year has been nothing but stagnant. It’s driven me to emotional breakdowns, with me wondering when I’m finally going to be able to do something worthwhile with a career, and wondering when I can finally get to go on all those adventures I’ve been constantly dreaming about.
Even though I know, or, hope, that in the end this grad degree is going to put me in a better position with getting into Law School, and one day I’ll be a lawyer-and finally get to stand up for causes and people who need someone to stand up for them…at the moment I truly feel useless and ungrateful.
Sometimes, it’s just too hard to ‘keep my head and my hopes up’, becuase my life just feels like a never-ending state of limbo. It’s almost torturous at times, because I just know it’s still going to be so long until I can finally feel ‘useful’, and even then, I don’t truly know if that will happen. What If I flunk the LSAT? What if I don’t get in to a good law school-what if no one want’s to hire me, what if I don’t get paid enough to pay off my loans? And I end up causing problems in my future marriage because of it-and if I never get to own a horse, my life-long dream since I was little? But most of all, what if I’m stuck working for people who have none of the same aspirations as me; people who just care about the money, and not about the cause? What if what I truly want to accomplish, is unaccomplishable? What if everything I’ve had to go through mentally this past year, and this next year, isn’t even worth it? What if I still fail, and then what happens?
While I should be grateful for the life I’ve been given, at the moment, I only feel unable to even live it.