The ‘Lost’ Years

This is a common theme that continues to emerge in nearly every one of my posts, and that’s probably-no definitely-because the last year of my life, and the next year of my life, is just a confusing time that has left me in the inability to move forward.

I don’t want to complain about my life, because there is truly nothing to complain about. I get to learn, I get to explore (on a low budget, but still), I get to be with people I care about, I eat well, and I have a nice roof over my head. Things I have in my life are still just dreams to some people, and I try to remind myself that constantly.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated, lost, and depressed-because I most certainly do. You see, I know I have great things to be thankful for, but I just feel so trapped in a stage of my life that sometimes I feel as if I’m not even living.

The past year I have been stuck as a grad student, stuck on the same budget, stuck being slave to professors-both in turning in papers, and grading undergraduate work for them-stuck as a working student at a barn, stuck in San Antonio, stuck in one stage of a relationship, and yet I’m still getting older without any ability of my life to move forward at the moment-or for another year.

It’s enough to drive me insane. I’m the type of person who constantly tries to push myself forward, and I also am the type of person who embraces new challenges, and new adventures. But the past year has been nothing but stagnant. It’s driven me to emotional breakdowns, with me wondering when I’m finally going to be able to do something worthwhile with a career, and wondering when I can finally get to go on all those adventures I’ve been constantly dreaming about.

Even though I know, or, hope, that in the end this grad degree is going to put me in a better position with getting into Law School, and one day I’ll be a lawyer-and finally get to stand up for causes and people who need someone to stand up for them…at the moment I truly feel useless and ungrateful.

Sometimes, it’s just too hard to ‘keep my head and my hopes up’, becuase my life just feels like a never-ending state of limbo. It’s almost torturous at times, because I just know it’s still going to be so long until I can finally feel ‘useful’, and even then, I don’t truly know if that will happen. What If I flunk the LSAT? What if I don’t get in to a good law school-what if no one want’s to hire me, what if I don’t get paid enough to pay off my loans? And I end up causing problems in my future marriage because of it-and if I never get to own a horse, my life-long dream since I was little? But most of all, what if I’m stuck working for people who have none of the same aspirations as me; people who just care about the money, and not about the cause? What if what I truly want to accomplish, is unaccomplishable? What if everything I’ve had to go through mentally this past year, and this next year, isn’t even worth it? What if I still fail, and then what happens?

While I should be grateful for the life I’ve been given, at the moment, I only feel unable to even live it.

 

 

A Necessary Adventure

Let’s be real. Sometimes, even if things are going relatively pretty great in life, we all need a break from it. Or, maybe ‘life’ isn’t exactly what we need a break from, but our own mentality about it.

Last weekend, I took a necessary adventure with my crew to the wonderful wizarding world of Harry Potter-and let me tell you, I’ve been there twice already, but that world never fails to just get my mind back in the right place again.

My ‘crew’ are my best friends, Madeline and Megan. A Hufflepuff and a Syltherin, mind you. Our squad gets a bit chaotic at times, since we have all different personalities-but yet, we all actually have the same ideas and values, we just show them in different ways.

I think that’s one of the great things about Harry Potter, we all seem so different than each other at times, but something about HP reminds us that when it comes down to the important things, we’re not different at all. That’s probably the greatest reminder that HP can give us: especially in times when the world seems to try and divide us into ‘deaths eaters’ and ‘good people’.

In my line of study, (politics and law), and in this time in the United States, I honestly feel like Harry in the Order of the Pheonix. I just feel so angry at everyone. I don’t understand how the U.S. Could have let itself get into this situation. I feel so frustrated at the lies and the incompetence of the White House, I get angry at my own family for falling for it, I get angry at politicians who continue to divide us in ‘left’ and ‘right’ in order to keep control (seriously, I study political tactics along with my focus on the judiciary-no political party cares about you, they only care for your vote), I get furious at the denial of evidence in order to confuse the mass public, I feel enraged when basically Dolores Umbridge herself is about t0 be appointed secretary of education, and I fume at the blindness of so many at the warning signs of this administration.

The constant day in, day out, of learning the depths of the political world, and the lack of me being able to do anything about it at the moment, threw my mentality into a torment of dispair. I began to have break downs because I so badly just want to be able to do something worthwhile; but this world constantly reminds me of how even when people do try to do what is right, they are constantly defeated.

And, as silly as it sounds, Harry Potter is a story of much of the same feelings that I’m going through right now. And many of the people I talked to over the weekend, and people I’ve met through Harry Potter, and especially my best friends, all are experiencing very similar problems.

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Regardless of our different areas of study, or jobs, we all want to be helping the world, in some sort of fashion, and sadly we all constantly are reminded of how tremendously difficult of a task that can be at times.

But, we’re also reminded that there are other people out there having the same troubles,  the same fears, and the same hopes. It’s truly remarkable to know how many people are actually just like you, in the important ways.

That people just like you also feel defeated, that people just like you want to see this world change for the better, and people just like you won’t back down no matter how frustrating or discouraging the situation. That people out there, that are no different than you, are trying to stand up for what’s right, even when everyone tells them to sit down.

So I needed this adventure, because I needed a reminder of what’s important. My best friends, our love and understanding of each other, and our similarities in our hopes and fears all helped me and my mentality return to a better place. And it’s thanks to the world of Harry Potter as well, in reminding us to come together when the world is trying to divide us apart.

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